Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
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I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately