Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
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A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
im 7 sauces long
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
the only bumper sticker ill allow
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.