My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
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When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
Skills
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.