Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
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Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.