Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
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Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
I don’t get marriage
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”