I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
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Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.