Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
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There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
called in thicc to work this morning
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why