Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
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if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
Merry Christmas
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”