Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
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this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
Harsh but fair
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”