subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
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everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
Coffee for people with no kids
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
Happy Febuary everyone!
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas