Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
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Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.