My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
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I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]