Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
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There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?