Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
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Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
Me :
All Day At Night
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.