me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
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Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
There are no pants in heaven.
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.