In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
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[at the general store]
me: one general please
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling