Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
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Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
Boy never ceases to amaze me
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.