Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
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I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
sounds kinky. i’m in.
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
“our sushi is very fresh”
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
Somebody’s lying.
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?