Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
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[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
damn he’s good
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone