i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
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WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
what day is it?
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
starting a garage orchestra
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.