twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
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It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.