if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
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Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
This came to me in a dream.
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
Me if I was a dog
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head