One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
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“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
Kermit goes Blue.
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
me logging onto twitter