6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
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“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
this makes me so uncomfortable
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
If I ignore life will it go away?
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments