I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
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My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower