Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
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other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
The morning after pill, but for tweets
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax