Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
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Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back