My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
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17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
Rambo Rambow
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
You look like you would fail a DNA test
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.