my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
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If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
Saturday
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture