Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
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Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules