The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
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Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.