Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
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[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
Some people were born into their job.
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man