landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
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I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl