[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
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[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.