When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
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No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
How I’d get arrested…
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?