Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
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When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
Challenge accepted.
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
When I said I liked it rough.
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.