Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
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Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
wut hotdog?
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986