i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
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This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO