I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
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[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad