Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
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If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.