I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
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Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.