when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
You Might Also Like
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
DOOO EEEET
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
I’m giving up ice.
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.