I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
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I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim