I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
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My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…