The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
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I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
i will avenge u mr van gogh
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on