All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
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“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.