Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
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Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?