[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
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Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
😂 amazing answer
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
My neck, my back, my…
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education