My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
You Might Also Like
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
Just parrot things
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die