turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
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My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie